A War about nothing
by Raptor Uniter
Summary: The cast of Seinfeld gets sent to the Halo universe, for a reason I neither know or care for
1. Default Chapter

HALO/SEINFELD: A war about nothing.

By Raptor Uniter

Narrated by Grunty Mcgruntlegrunt

DISCLAIMER: I own myself, but other than that, everything is owned by FOX Studios, Bungie, and The Microsoft Empire that is to eventually take over the world… come to think of it, I don't think I actually own myself…

Ch. 1

Kramer's last Scheme

Kramer had gotten in a few problems trying to get Money over the last few years. First he got in big trouble for dumping a ball of oil on Seinfeld's ex-girlfriend, then he accidentally sold George a unusable condom witch got someone pregnant. Then he got stranded in the road trying to get some extra recycling money by shipping used cans to Michigan. But Kramer finally discovered a fool-proof plan to nab millions. Or did he…

Kramer walked into Jerry's apartment one fateful afternoon, without knocking (as was his custom). He walked over to the kitchen and grabbed himself a piece of Jerry's lunch, and Unfurled his latest plot to his pal. " Hey Jerry, I got some good news," Kramer told jerry after swallowing a piece of Jerry's reuben.

"Does it include me getting another reuben because I didn't eat breakfast this morning."

"Jerry, If we pull this new job, you can hire your own reuben chef! Maybe the Soup Nazi started doing reubens but that's the only bad part about it, I mean…"

"What do you mean we?"

"well, I had us signed up for this science thing, this scientist guy just built a time machine and he needs four guys to test it."

"Let me guess, you got me, George and Elaine signed up to go on a time machine that probably won't work?"

"yeah, but That scientist is willing to pay us 777,000 for it."

Jerry took a moment to think it over then asked, "when is it?"

"7:00 tonight."

"I have a performance tonight!"

"well tell them you have the flu, or a cold, or AIDS, you know, make something up."

Seinfeld took another moment to do what I personally think is the dumbest thing I have ever seen somebody do, he took another moment to think about it. I mean, It's 777 K, what's there to think about , I mean if somebody told me to kill all of my fellow grunts for 777K, I'd kill them and Truth to get it. Well, I'm getting ahead of myself, so I better get back to the story.

So, Jerry decides to go along with it and drives down to the place where the science dude person is. The science dude person gets them acquainted to the time machine, which the science dude person named _the Lunie Been, _and fitted them in their time-containment suits(so they won't freeze in the no time area that _the_ _Lunie Been _crosses to get from one time period to another)which the science dude person named _streit jackets._ So the gang got into their _streit Jackets _and went into _the Lunie Been, _and went into the future, where I was just happening to be killing jerry's great great great great ggreat nephew, private Jenkins, with my needler, my needler witch I call fluffy, and I dress it up and put it in a doll house, and I take it with me while walking my pet combat flood form schmuckles, who is so cuuute. Who's my little schmuckles, Yesss you are! Yess you are!

Err… back to the story….

Well, at earth, the exact same place they started their journey through time, there was the greatest battle of all, but they came back on Delta HALO, and zapped into the control room just as The Arbiter, Com. Keys, Sgt. Johnson, and 343 guilty Spark were discussing cheese and it's effects on global warming(which, as it turns out, has no effect) out of pure boredom because there was no way off the ring with nobody there but them……….


	2. A Salt on the control room

Chapter 2: a salt on the control room (pun intended for no reason at all)

Sgt. Johnson and 343 were getting in a pretty large argument over cheese and global warming.

"silly reclaimer, cheese is a organic compound and under that circumstance, they don't contain CFC's!"

"But they do cause global warming! I men, if something is really hot, it stinks real bad. And so does old cheese."

"but that does not give good proof."

At this time, Sgt. Johnson was starting to get P.O.ed, so he levelled his beam-rifle and told 343, "hey Tinkerbelle, if you don't want the index shoved up your eye, don't argue with me."

"fine then, I won't."

Half –Jaw was extremely bored being stranded on the ring, but a grunt like me does not care about that at all, because I don't even know what bored means.

Anyway, Half-Jaw was coping with this mysterious thing called boredom by poking aimlessly into the air, which is exactly the air the time-machine appeared in.

Needless to say, he jabbed his sword into the time machine as it appeared, thus destroying it and accidentally burning George.

"Owww," George screamed as he ran in circles grabbing is arse.

Everyone gasped at the site of People coming from the past in a time machine and yelled out "what!" 343, being created before this time machine knew this was to happen, but yelled out "what," because he thought it was qafad and it would make him cool. The Arbiter and The other Elites tried yelling out "what," but it just came out as " wort!"

Us Grunts were sleeping and dreaming about cute little kittens getting smashed and ground and sold to fast-food chains as "chicken nuggets"

" Where the hell are we, Kramer?" asked Jerry, still wanting a reubin.

"I don't know, Jerry, but I think we're in some future prison."

343 put itself into their conversation to explain.

" Welcome to Instillation 05, not as good as Instillation 04, it's really old and crusty, seriously, Instillation 04 was much better and…" the former resident of instillation 04 ranted on about his home world with banter none of our protagonists understood. Jerry, Kramer, and George could not understand what " Instillation 05" was, the Humans and the Covenant didn't know the difference between the two rings.

And the microscopic bacteria didn't understand why 343 wasn't on the floor puking.

Elaine was screaming, "Somebody help me!" at the top of her lungs, although nobody heard her. Nobody realized her until she started banging on the edge with a piece of the time machine. " Oh, we forgot you were here," Kramer said as he hauled Elaine into the platform. "So, what are we all doing here?" Seinfeld asked, bored.

Johnson sighed and said, "were stranded here, that damn broken-jawed alien over there flew the only capable ship into this building, and now there's no way home."

" I told you, there were no designated captains and I was commanding under the influence," Half-Jaw remarked in defence.

"Well, how do we get out of here?" Com. Keyes asked.

Half-Jaw got puzzled and answered, "I don't know…."


	3. Hitchhickers guide to HALO

Ch. 3: Hitchhikers guide to HALO

(disclaimer two: I do not own Spaceballs, which is owned by Mel Brooks, nor do I own _The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy_, witch is probably now owned by Monty Python, as Douglas Adams is dead.)

While Half-Jaw was contemplating the use of toothpicks and duct tape to repair the cruisers hull when he came up with and extraordinary idea, a way of curing ADD that involves a remote planet, A lot of carrier ships, and an atmosphere's worth of tear gas, and then he thought of a way to escape Installation 05. "hey everyone, I know how to escape now, so everybody come close and listen carefully, I'm only saying this once because I am probably going to forget it because I think I messed up the plotting part of my memory banks in the DUI incident. So here it is: We need to get some towels, a phantom, and a few weapons, because this book I'm holding here," Half-Jaw explained, waving a copy of _The hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy, revised edition _in his arms, "says that these three things are crucial to all space hitchhiking. Well, It only states that the towel is crucial, but I thought we should bring the other stuff too."

Com. Keyes counted the marines and elites and came to a conclusion that a single Phantom is simply not enough. "Why do we need one Phantom instead of two, and why the hell are we hitchhiking? Most importantly, why the hell do we need towels," Keyes asked to the slant-bite suffering enemy. "Well, we could use three Phantoms to hold a Banshee, A ghost, and a Puma, one on each one, and we could use the towels to disguise ourselves as space nomads, and we're hitchhiking because space pirates are probably already in-system plundering High Charity, witch I believe is misnamed because they don't really raise money for…" Half-Jaw was rudely interrupted by Keyes, who asked why he was suggesting they hitch a ride from space pirates, and asking what a Puma was.

"well human, We'll get This 'Seinfeld' person over here to pretend he's an accountant because space pirates often have trouble with their finances. Once onboard, we'll commandeer the ship. Also, a Puma is one of those small human vehicles that has a chain gun on the back and…"

"that's called a Warthog, not a Puma."

"It looks more like a Puma to me."

"Well it's a Warthog."

"Fine…"

"Good."

"…Infidel."

"you dumb little bastard…"

"Wort!"

" I'm gonna shove this SMG right up your…"

"Can't we all just get along?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm George Costanza"

"Well nice to meet you, I'm Half…What the F£ !"

"Prepare for a lead suppository, Bitch!"

"Woooort!"

"I really think we should just go now."

"Fine"

"To the Puma!"

"The Warthog"

"fine, let's go."

And so the set off to get boozed up, then on the next day they set off on their journey. And I peed in my armour while taking a nap. And the Chief imploded spontaneously and is now a fish that imploded and became the Chief again.


End file.
